2018 is ready

you leave a part of yourself in that year no matter what progress or damage it caused as your body, like water, takes its new form in another vessel as a new year. and you join both hands saying thanks to the new people you met along, strangers that, no matter if its thirty seconds or eight months, made a significance - made you smile and laugh or made your heart a tad tougher, taught you the lessons that you just did not need but had to chew, digest, ruminate on, never to breathe out of oblivion. only gratitude to those who stayed and reached out this year who always reminded me that no life is perfect and how i could always be better and make it alone never depending my life decisions on anyone. thank you to you who woke me up from a deep slumber, not with a kiss but with those beautiful eyes that watched blink less ly. time, fast in its silence like a back to back mirror an enigmatic vortex to another time tunnel. life is not only about the lucrative but it is an eternal embrace of uncertainty - so we should look at the benefit of a whole not just as an individual. as a body takes shape in a new ship that will take me to a trip this 2018, sail away, let's!

28

Clad in my earthy garments, I find myself melding in the scene. In the "zone" of some mundane zone that I am out of words to express. I am home, and it always has to be far away. I do not know if you get it, but you do not have to be a traveler or a "world trotter" to know exactly what I mean.

You just got back from your long day from work and your bed feels awesomely comf, but once you wake up, you feel STUCK VS SUN-STUNNED : You just arrived from an hour flight and the sand, breeze, trees, waters, basically the entire universe getting you set for another drive.

You wonder when will this end? The craving of always leaving and never arriving. You think that deciding to go insane and living the life you always wanted is such a sin, and you would rather betray yourself and your uncaged nature. Because you have been to both worlds of pleasing your chameleon spirit and settling with others to conform. You have always been happy with and by yourself. There is no other person that has made you truly happy than yourself, and you only realized it after 27 years. The only true measure of success is if you are happy with the life you live.

Pragmatism. Utilitarian. Hedonistic.

The selfish generation? The traveling age?

I grew up in the province of Negros Occidental in the city of Bacolod. Majority of my not-so-long life took its airtime in that small part of the Philippines. For almost 23 years, I was inside that shell, and it seemed like that province is my country and the Philippines is my universe and the rest of the world is null, false, nothing. The vastness and the possibilities reduced to this minute island protected, or if I may say, "trapped" by an impenetrable sphere. You can only imagine how small my world is. You can only imagine how limited my relationships are. You can only imagine how contrived and awkward I was. When I hear about the wonders of the world or love, I can only imagine...

I was a boy, or at least I was, starting and ending my day with loads of school work aiming to ace every time. Never thinking that it could get exhausting doing only what is right and commendable, I graduated and did all that was required. After 23 years, I was an Eve that tasted the very first apple seeing the capital, the white sands of the most famous beach, and the stinging pain of young "however true it was" love after my walls broke down.

My 28 year-old self now asks, when will it be possible to revert back and seal the sphere that once confined me in this safe sanctuary. Integral in its refuge and secure in its strength yet lonely for the longing of rotating stars and the freedom of frisson. Who can make it possible to fly me away to somewhere endowed with the best of both worlds. You cannot have it all, I know very well. But my 28 year-old self is not like the rest of its peers - responsible, futuristic, straight to their life paths. In the abyss of getting lost and never being found, my family and friends can only do so much. Without myself and the reason to be happy about what extent my hands can hold, I do not think success is attainable.

It is okay to be different. It is okay to start late. It is okay "to live a life that no one else understands." All I know now is I am comfortable in my own skin. I have lived a life with no regret. I have forgiven the memories I cannot forget. I have loved and was loved in return, and maybe it did not last, but I made it count.

Move, Make.

Always Moving.

Six Seven Months in Manila was so damn fast. A lot has happened – from fun to fights, sun to rain, bus to train. And it seems like my memory, my way of thinking, is scattered and stored into many bottles and just need to open them to remember. My life changed. Being alone in a big city taking care of yourself can make you learn a lot. You will know what works for you best. You know what gives you peace and what quiets your soul. You learn how to choose your battles. You know how to extend your strength to fight stress.



Maybe it is true, what they say about MOTION, those swirls and the fast rush.



Maybe it is true, what they say about EMOTION, those swirls and the fast rush.



Copy paste then add E.



Newton’s First Law of Motion:



“An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.” (www.physicsclassroom.com)



“a moving body travels along a straight path with constant speed (i.e., has constant velocity) unless it is acted on by an outside force.” (www.infoplease.com)



These days I have been so used to a steady speed – fast, running-with-it-stumbling-but-still-picking-yourself-up-heavy-breathingly fast. This place is fast. Money is fast. The shower in full blast and the water running down the drain, fast.



These days, the transferring is not just from day to night. And I have been the same entity, though summer and the rain has met me in between. The transferring of cities, to changing the sheets of your bed. The moving of apartments to changing your lockers. Transferring from one office building to the next. From changing to ultimate whites to black underwear. Changing work stations to changing passwords.

In those tornadoes of dust and worry, I haven’t proved any change in me… yet. You feel dry and repetitive and though motivated, you somehow feel uninspired. I circle around the area of where I usually do my running, and the wind is telling me that whether it is centripetal or centrifugal, that force will be great, palpable, unstoppable.



Limerence Tip:

If ever a great force is stronger than your readiness to face and embrace it, just ride with it. Ride with the waves. It may never be the same platform you used to stand on, but a change can always make you learn.

Caving

The windows do not have blinds

Light enters

And the truth becomes yours.



But that truth is not certain

Light enters

And the windows breathe in.



The door is not locked

You did not enter

And my room was empty.



Today disappeared

All I have are yesterdays

Of longing and hoping.



If tomorrow was certain

Light would enter

But sure to buy a curtain.



Because what is certain

Will still hurt

We always choose to hurt.



We always choose

To see the light

And be blinded.

Manila Limerence Entry #3

Manila Limerence
Entry #3

April 11, 2016

It was that ride at the back of a fast motorcycle, and there were three of us. He suddenly turned the direction to our very cold street. It's just now we've learned our main street was so damn cold three in the morning. The wind, the moon smiling, and that freeze. My thoughts just shot to a high high. I wanted to contain myself in that box of a moment where my body was light and my mind is floating. I didn't need anything or anyone to leech off from. I was happy. Without any good reason, I was just looking forward to a good future.

After mass today, I almost cried at the end with "Power of Love" playing. "And I will soar with you. Your spirit leads me on," says the song. I held back my tears. I reflected on my life, and my struggles, but I was emotional thinking about how God released me from those chains. I am a work in progress, everyday is a fix to a bright future. I told a friend I needed to go to mass today cz I feel like I really have something to thank Him for. These days, I just feel happy without any source in the physical world. My "spirit" is forming and manifesting.

Before I end an entry, I'll try to leave an "LT" or a Limerence Tip:

| Do not ask if you do not want to know the answer. |

This is very applicable to people that say they like you and make you feel that they like you, and yes, there was an itch from a love bug you just dont want to scratch, and that person just disappeared. And when they do leave, you have questions right? Like why? Are we still friends? Are we still gonna see each other this weekend (like we always do or that you told me you will make time like it's a no brainer because you're sched is always gonna make way for me)? Are we? Are you? Where are you? Then leading to, Did you ever like me? Are you seeing someone?

Fuck those questions. It's 2016! And I haven't read or heard any proclamation of what this year is called, but I should call it a "Black or White No Grays" year. If they leave, let them. Yes, you want answers to those questions? You want closure? Not everything is resolved by shouting to the deaf    . In the first place even if you "DTR"-ed (Define the Relationship) or not, there's no use in trying if "the pieces don't fit anymore" (quoting James Morrisson whose voice is still an ultimate crush til now). If they leave, turn the next page not the previous one. Don't even try to waste time making an effort to fix things you did not break. Don't be sad about the could-be's. You create your next step. You move on, and move on slow. Don't delete photos of him or be bitter. Endure the pain. Be tough. What I do is I imagine strong women like Katniss Everdeen or Emily Thorne. Self-preservation is key. Self-worth increased. Rejection will always happen. And if they reject or leave you, why the fucking hell should you crawl your way back sounding pathetic begging for a comeback? No. No. No. They leave, you make sure they know it's their loss. And to the next ones that will arrive, is there any assurance that they wont leave? Hell NO. It's best not to share past hurts about people leaving you. Build the relationship with the Now. Do not ask if they will leave you,too. Do not ask if you do not want to know. If they leave, let them. Easy to say, but if you're mature enough and if you weigh things, you'd know what to do. Will you just let him get the best of you and knock you down?

To those questions that you want to ask. Let them float and ruminate in your head, but never start a convo and be seenzoned or dial that number that has been changed. The answers to those questions wont change a thing. So WHAT IF a conversation will cause a change of heart? Shouldnt you be asking yourself WHAT IF he didnt leave in the first place and make you like some kind of a second choice piece of shit?

Time's are changing. We evolve to higher coping mechanisms and more effective grief handling methods. It's black and white, loves. You like me, I like you, let's go. You leave me, I forget you, let's move on.

tgi

"Break the wheel," the queen said.

Every September is like a cycle. After reading my last entry, I realized  it's the time of the year, yes. Embrace the change, love and live it full throttle.

There is no better way to explain the irony of breaking the cycle versus this month-slash-season to be cyclical. This decision has been long over due:

Though it just happened that during this time for years now that a change always has to happen, but certainly this time this is a different change. It' may be a thoughtless move for some, but it is a courage I had planted, nourished, fed, and grown after  exposure to a lot.

A friend told me that whatever decision you make, you do it for yourself and your happiness. Another told me that hardships are there to push you  and develop you, but if God sends you a different message about those difficulties, then he is telling you that you have reached your limit.

The year is passing by fast and it  is, so far, not easy. You know that feeling that you need to plant yourself on different soil? You felt the responsibility - that for once, you do the things you do because you love yourself and you don't give a damn if others doubt you or question you.

I am done, smoking gun. This time, my eyes are wide open to the evil that can possibly deceive me - open to the world and to the vast opportunities it will provide. Heart open to the happiness overflowing. Mind open to the zestful vibrant energies and colors. Body ready for new adventures and new places to conquer. My self open to myself giving myself what I need and want (now this sounds, like  self-pleasure-giving, weird). I can and will do this.

Oath to self that  I will not let the year end without making myself feel alive well and happy. Why make myself miserable when the options are limitless?

To the new boy that broke the cycle - say hello to a new day new month. I have to thank the hurt that had to happen to make me remember what worth I have. I have to thank the friends that remind me that if a place is getting too old and rusty, there are new doors to unlock. Thank God itt's Friday!

Dark Side

It's funny that now I mostly do everything I can do on my lappy using my phone.

I keep losing inspiration (not that I really had a load of it ever since).

I've been getting a lot of judgement lately... been on a lot of stress. A lot of rocks thrown at me, full of negativity that I scar myself with. Why can't I be kinder to myself?

Many fears circling around me. Am I doing enough in my life? How can I keep my job... or stay in it?  Do I have enough for my future? Does my future have something in store for me? Am I ever gonna be happy?

If these questions are asked by a teen or a post-college student, then that's forgivable - but I am not. Only I can answer my own questions.

August wasn't as awesome as I expected or predicted it would be. A lot of changes happened. I was transferred to a different department, and a lot became different. My body changed, my spiels changed, the people around me changed. Only God never changed. I will never forget that. With Him there is no judgement...

I am still at the Lost Phase in my life.
I thought I have gone out of it two years ago before I got this job, never thought I will go back full circle to this wandering state. I have nowhere to go and nowhere to get something from. I don't have the answers.

I am depressed and sad. I try to be happy and smile and laugh and read but I go back to a really dark place.

I wish there was someone that could really understand but I guess there's no time to find who that will be.

I know that what keeps me alive.. is my will to be Alive. That I have the drive to survive. That I believe I still have a purpose.

So God help me find it.

There will always be a cross you have to carry. This one right now? I don't know... but I am carrying it for You.